Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

When a shoelace touches your ankle

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

me irl

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.