Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

…

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.

Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends