Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes,  I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever