Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel