Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

My AI girlfriend ran off with my imaginary best friend. I’m gutted – I really miss him.

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.