Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

normalize having existential bread