Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
