Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
yikes
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
