Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
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I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.