Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

ㅤ

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

her: let’s try roleplaying

me: can I be a hypochondriac?

her: you got it

me: *suddenly nervous* got what

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

fly smarter, not harder

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

Alexa; make it look like an accident

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?