Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?

I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary