ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
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“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes