Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
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*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
True story 🤣
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it