Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
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I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
that de-escalated quickly
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
couldn’t resist
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State