Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.