Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

Come back with a warrant

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*