Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
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On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
His flabber was gasted 😂
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
This is true.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?