Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
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Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.