I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
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I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken