Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.