Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*