Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.