Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.