Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Apparently, all that was left was da brie.

***ba dum tissssss***

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*