Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
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You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Body by sandwich.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.