Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

let’s discuss

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me