Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him