Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.