Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

Hello Twits.

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.