Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
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what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
White Castle for the Win
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Jokes on them. I took 10.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
was Jim off killing horses or…
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
The pointless tidy up before a play date.