Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
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There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
#MeanwhileinCanada
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ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
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Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents