me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
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Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
😭😭
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]