Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

😂😂

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

Teens – Slay all day

20s – Rosé all day

30s – Bidet all day

40s – Bengay all day

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

Covid like