me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
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“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Thinking of taking Easter decorations down
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
A huge thanks to the person that did this
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby