Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

You Might Also Like


My stomach just made a really weird noise. So I’m just going to send a pizza down to check it out.



1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.


Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.


nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.


Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*


me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY


Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites


I didn’t shower today and there has been a gnat flying around my head for several minutes. I think this is how my life as Pigpen starts.


If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.


Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.