Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
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I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Sign of the day..
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover