@jellybnbonanza

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

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@PurelyYours1

My stomach just made a really weird noise. So I’m just going to send a pizza down to check it out.

@TheTweetOfGod

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

@iamburtjarvis

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

@TweetPotato314

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

@TribalSpaceCat

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

@KMoFlo_official

I didn’t shower today and there has been a gnat flying around my head for several minutes. I think this is how my life as Pigpen starts.

@AnnietheNanny1

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

@PajamaStew

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.