Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

Lmbo

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

Truth

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

Hell yeah 👍

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?