Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

i think both sides are to blame here

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.