Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
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Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Everyone’s family
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
My daily affirmation
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Introverted vegans go meetless
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
he looks great for his age
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.