Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
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This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
incredible text to wake up to
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.