Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
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Be the reason someone burns sage.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.