Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

*first day as a Walmart greeter*

Me: You know Target’s still open, right?

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

Stop.

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.