Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
You Might Also Like
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
honey, bring out the fine china.
Tapped in
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Respect
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…