Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
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“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
Already got one
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune