Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

2023 was just a warmup

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.