me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
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mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I am going to be nice from now on. Yes, I will be nice.
Right after this exorcism?
I will be nice.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.