me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
You Might Also Like
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
sign of the times 🖊
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
he’ll never suspect a thing
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I’m not stressed
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.