me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
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“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?