Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
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Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
#catsoftwitter
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different