Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
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I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
wtf is a larm clock?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard