Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

Message from teachers: no clubs this week

Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week

Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week

School electronic sign: no clubs this week

Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.