Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
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Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Can Happiness buy money?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now