Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words