Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
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Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?