Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were