Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.