They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
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A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”
They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
[1st day in Hell]
Satan: *giving impassioned speech* AND THE HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE-
Me: *raises hand* What time are snacks?
Satan: *eyes narrow* SNACKS?!
Me: Ya, snacks
Satan: 3 pm
ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn’t tethered; that pug’s not leashed.
HOST: Ma’am, that’s a toddler.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600