@ThugRaccoons

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

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@OfficeofSteve

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

@3sunzzz

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

@fro_vo

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

@outsmartedmommy

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

@ElleOhHell

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

@hotdogsladies

I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”

They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”

@pixelatedboat

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

@Mr_Kapowski

[1st day in Hell]

Satan: *giving impassioned speech* AND THE HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE-

Me: *raises hand* What time are snacks?

Satan: *eyes narrow* SNACKS?!

Me: Ya, snacks

Satan:

Me:

Satan: 3 pm

@illiter8too

ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn’t tethered; that pug’s not leashed.

HOST: Ma’am, that’s a toddler.

@hippieswordfish

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600