Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

Good Morning.

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

every man in east london

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄