Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

this is how life feels

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

checking out some reviews of my local library

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.