Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

every single time

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste