Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

figuring out my emotional availability:

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

Nosferatu

Nosfera2

Nosf3ratu

Nos4atu

Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”

2020’s guy: “yeah”

1680’s guy: “yeah”