@Shen_the_Bird

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

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@stevevsninjas

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

@good_one_rick

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

@FredTaming

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

@SteveSuckington

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

@OfficeofSteve

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

@Brianhopecomedy

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

@notfaizzy

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

@megbada

I absolutely recommend falling in love with your twitter crush and traveling about 3612 miles to boink them.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*