me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
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A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Running your mouth is not cardio.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?