@Shen_the_Bird

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

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@jazz_inmypants

my wife of 30 years: *texts me*

my brain: don’t answer right away you’ll look desperate

@KandyKoehn

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

@joshuadun

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

@squirrel74wkgn

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

@GianDoh

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

@WheelTod

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

@QwertyJones3

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

@junejuly12

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*