Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

My love language is deader than Latin

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.