Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer

“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.