@AimeeHelene1

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

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My wife said that my 5 year old gets really hyper because of the sugar he has at breakfast so I think I’ll stop putting it in his coffee.

@aotakeo

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

@rebrafsim

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
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@magicraisin

She said: “I want to have your children.”
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Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

@NatBaimel

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

@CruisinSoozan

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

@sophielou

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

@kiel_phillips

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

@robdelaney

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.