Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
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Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
termite twitter scares me
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.