My wife said that my 5 year old gets really hyper because of the sugar he has at breakfast so I think I’ll stop putting it in his coffee.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
You Might Also Like
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Don’t be a doormat, be an electric fence.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.