Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

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Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..


Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.


I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.


I’m always a big fan of the prison teardrop tattoo. It says I’m sensitive but I’ve killed people.


Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is


I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.


“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab


FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5


A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.