me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
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My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
so i’m at the stock market right
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Remorse?
I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
2022 be like
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.