me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
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(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Meal prep? No need to prep here, I’m prepared for a meal AT ALL TIMES!
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
You deplete me
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?