Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
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I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Frankenstein?
