Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
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Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?