Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
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Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.