Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
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Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Just added something to my bucket list.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces